Feet are stupid
There’s a lot of anti-intuitive laws out there – suicide laws, affirmative action, progressive taxes, sodomy laws – but the one that makes the absolute least sense to me is this crazy pedestrian-right-of-way horsecrap. And don’t even get me started on cyclists. You know who has the right of way? The guy behind the wheel of 3500 pounds of steel hurtling down the street. You know what trumps that? An 18-wheeler. And guess what cars and trucks don’t mess with. That’s right. Trains.
I don’t drive on the sidewalk. If I did, I’d get in a lot of trouble. Because sidewalks are for walking. If I’m walking, and I want to cross the street, I look both ways to make sure there aren’t any enormous piles of metal speeding toward me. Cars aren’t bats or crackheads. They’re fairly predictable and tend to travel in relatively straight trajectories. It’s a hell of a lot easier for you to not put your foot on the asphalt than for me to slam on my brakes so you can get to Van Puffinstuff’s Candles and Mirror Shoppe six seconds faster.
If you’re the kind of person that steps in front of a moving car because you think you have the right of way, you’re probably the kind of person who thinks they have the right of way wherever they go. But let me tell you, if you get hit by a car, you deserve it for not staying out of its god damn way. Believe it or not, there’s something that deserves even more respect than you, you pompous entitlement-happy douche. It’s called physics.
August 31st, 2005 at 2:47 pm
You know that stretch of Boulevard between Ponce and Freedom Parkway where the crackheads wander – no, saunter – across the street? Can’t fucking stand it. I call them “The Boulevard Nomads.”
The reason those people walk out in front of cars is about control and power. These are the poorest, unhealthiest, least educated people in the city. They feel they have no power in any area of their miserable excuse for a life until they step in that road. And don’t you know they get a little rush when they see you get all worked up behind the wheel of a fancy car they couldn’t even afford an air freshener for on your way to some country club they’ve convinced themelves you’re heading to.
August 31st, 2005 at 5:48 pm
I always thought they were just trying to get me to hit them so they could sue me. Or die. If I couldn’t afford air freshener, I probably wouldn’t care if someone ran me down.
August 31st, 2005 at 5:55 pm
You’re absolutely right about those guys (and gals). They’re usually so messed up I’m just thankful they don’t throw up on my hood. And honestly, if they think making me wear down my brake pads is sticking it to the man, whatever. Because compared to them, my life is a country club. So I don’t mind not running them down like the rabid dogs they are. I guess it’s the Democrat in me. If I really felt sorry for them, I probably would just put them out of their misery, but for some crazy reason, society frowns on proactive euthanasia.
The ones that really burn my ass are the yuppie greek system Southern Company middle management Izod wearing humps scurrying across Highland to force feed apple martinis to their Laura Ashley A-frame wearing ex-cheerleader future 5-series driving uteruses.
Those are the ones that really tempt me.
August 31st, 2005 at 8:25 pm
I drove on the sidewalk once. It was awesome. I saved like 20 minutes. Some dumbass was blocking the lane by trying to turn left on Howell Mill at lunchtime. I had to do it. My friend Big A refused to ride with me for some time after that episode.
September 1st, 2005 at 10:46 am
Hey, what’s wrong with apple martinis? I’m secure enough in my manhood and hetero-ness to order them…as long as my wife is with me.
September 5th, 2005 at 2:57 pm
Ever driven down Buford Highway at night?
All of the people who live in Chambodia seem to think that the turn lane is a sidewalk.
Dark skinned person + black clothes + poor part of town with limited (at best) street lights + walking down center turn lane = recipe for disaster.
When I lived in Brookhaven there was always a sign up at stores around the area asking for donations to send the bodies home of these poor people who had been hit and whose families could not afford to come and get them.
So sad.
September 8th, 2005 at 4:05 pm
This is my favorite post to date. Man, you hit a sweet spot with me. I want to create a bumper sticker, for my front bumper naturally – “I Hate Pedestrians”. Maybe splash a little red paint on it, let people in the Virgina Highlands realize.. I fucking mean business! Okay, sure this talk about cracked out pedestrian is one thing, but what’s the excuse for our educated white folk, all jacked up on BuckyStars.
Now, it’s fairly early when I’m going into work, headed down North Highland in route. And sure, they’ve got those big yellow crosswalk stop signs that nobody gives a crap about, especially me. And, this “special†pedestrian highway is located in front of a Starbucks, so I’ve yet to stop for a cup to prompt my necessary alertness, which is slim to start with! So, it really amazes me that your perfectly normal white folk would walk calmly in front of a multi-ton hunk of metal moving at 40 miles per hour.
For the Highland people, it’s a matter of entitlement. It’s their neighborhood, with their million crosswalks! In fact, one day they all had a big protest. That’s right, a pedestrian rally! Those bastards. Rich non working fuckers – nothing better to do than hold signs to let hard working people like me know that crosswalks are every twenty feet, and that I should be attentive to their every crossing. So, I stopped to give them my lip.
So I said…
“Go to do something! And, don’t walk in front of my car dill-holes!â€
Ya, that’s what I told’em!