As Nathan Detroit says, “When a bum buys wine like a bum can’t afford, It’s a cinch that the bum is under the thumb of some little broad.” Which is why people like me find themselves not on the shit end of the economic stick right now. I’ve been going to a lot of shows lately, and I think I’ll start leaving town to see more. Starting with this one.

Call it sad, call it funny.
But it’s better than even money
That the guy’s only doing it for some doll. And in this case it’ll be Lauren Graham.

Suck it up and throw some money at cancer. If you don’t have a job, then just throw a little. It’s in the memory of an amazing woman, who there just aren’t enough of. Do it, or I will punch you with my foot.

New chocolate bar tells women to put their mouths around a Fling.

Something tells me Tom Colicchio wouldn’t sell quite so many burgers, unless they were a little more obvious about the rimming.

(be sure to watch the HQ version. you know. for the sauce.)

While it’s absolutely adorable, it’s also arguably tolerable because they’re all so clearly miserable.

Bacon cups. That is all.

Why spend over $200 for a plastic hand shaped chair?

While I’m not a huge fan of their Creme Eggs, I do heart me some Cadbury. I still have some random chocolate I brought back from Oz years ago. Something tells me they couldn’t run a promotion here called “Unleash The Goo.” But whatever. I also don’t think there are any stoned college students here smart enough to put this together.

This is just one of many examples of why I was clearly born on the wrong side of the world.

A spa opened up down the street from me that advertises a “45-minute foot massage for $35.” I had a girl rub my feet once, and it was pretty neat. I don’t know if it’s girls or boys that rub your feet at this place. It appears to be a legitimate day spa. I’m at the point in my life that I don’t much care anymore. However, had I been born 30 years earlier, yet with the same genetic deficiencies and disposable income (and lived near Times Square) I may have had a slightly different plan for Friday evening.

I’d been wondering what the heck happened to the awesome hot dog cart that used to be parked right outside my office. It got a case of white flight and ran off to something called Marietta. But it seems to be the same old Barkers that it always was. And then some.

As I get older, I have less use it.

Oh. Wait. So it’s about sad kids? Never mind. I’ll slap them every day.

Too much bad U2, not enough ’70s comic book logos. But still neato.

Knowing that professional critics had a similar reaction to last night’s BSG finale is comforting. Spoilerific.

I am finishing the last bit of this birthday present right now, and am going to definitely get more. It’s Mo’s Bacon Bar, and I know it’s been around a while, but now I can officially say it’s one of my favorite novelty bacon products. It’s actually quite good, and high quality. Go get one.

Cigarettes are about to break the $9 mark in Georgia thanks to the outrageous taxes on anything good. No insight. Just outrage. I’m so glad liberals know what’s best for poor people who just want to have a brief flash of relief from their awful lives.

Very fun. I had a little trouble figuring one out. Of course, I love nerdy shit. Sneak peaks on his other site looks cool. Looking forward to collecting a complete set.

So I can salivate over things like The McGangBang.

To his regret, he must strike those poses in his home office. “My wife is not big on it,” he said. “I’ve actually been threatened with divorce if it comes into the living room.”
She sounds awesome.

It’s hard to decide whether any, some or all of this is real. What is defintely is is an ad. And kind of fun.

German fried chicken fingers + our Great White Hope = Obama Fingers.

Steak & BJ Day – Watch more Funny Videos

Unfortunately, it’s only available in the Northwest, but I am determined to track some down to make the ultimate Bloody Mary.

As someone who’s both pro-Galifinakis, and pro-Tyson, and pro-everything they both stand for, I am looking forward to The Hangover.

Do you like cocaine? Are you a whore? Are you in the market for a Self-Cleaning Toilet?

Watchmen is no abattoir of retarded children, as Rorschach would say. It is, as Roger Ebert says, “a film experience of often fearsome beauty.” Zach Snyder has now clearly made the 2 most faithful adaptations of graphic novels ever. Even Frank Miller couldn’t recreate his own Sin City with such Draconian attention to detail. I am curious what sort of experience a Watchmen virgin would have, though. Would it be even remotely permeable? I have my doubts. It was thrilling to see.

I have my ticket, and have boned up on my Black Freighter lore, and am ready to complain about the missing squid (though between you and me, if they do what it appears they do, I’m not going to miss the squid that much). I only wish I could wake up to Saturday Morning Watchmen.