Bacon logs are great and all, but can they haunt your hungry nightmares?

What does a single mother of six really need? Fertility treatments that give her eight more. You can thank her for my next Republican straight ticket vote.

Detroit needs a bailout and a jackhammer for the frozen bodies. At least in Atlanta they have the decency to cremate themselves in abandoned house-afires. Which is why I’m staying right here.

LIfeline!! LIFELINE!!

Coweta county has made things make your tingly bits tingle more than baby Jesus intended illegal. That means no more ribbed condoms and you sure as shit can’t have one of those Tupperware parties for dildos. Which is fine, because only whores go to those things, anyway. Like one of the comments on the story says, “If you could get a real man, you wouldn’t need a vibrator.”

True dat. True dat..

(fyi, kidding about the whore thing… mostly)

I like how pandering to the social convention that women are pieces of meat that only have value if they’re unrealistically beautiful and submitting themselves to rear entry sex is more acceptable than eating a fucking cheeseburger. Good work, PETA. Seriously.

But I’m still gonna eat cheeseburgers. Cool?

Anyhoo, here’s their brilliant Superbowl spot.

Someone made a hor/por (that’s my new word for slasher flicks – spread it around) where the whole premise is that when the sexy times start, a girl is accidentally killed by an overzealous donkey punch, and terror ensues. For reals. And it’s called… wait for it… Donkey Punch. For reals.
“The sexiest most shocking film of the year.”

Please excuse me, I have to get back to my Dog In A Bathtub manuscript. It’s an animated feature. Extremely animated.

Personally, I’m against almost all of it. But regardless, apparently something was going on last week in the news, I forget exactly, but it overshadowed a passing that went mostly unheralded. Patrick McGoohan died. He did quite a bit, but will go down in history as being responsible for The Prisoner. It was a British TV show, was on in 1968, only ran 17 episodes, and is one of the most influential pieces of pop culture ever made. If you think Lost is effed up, The Prisoner will sodomize your brain through your eye holes. They’re remaking it, of course, and it will probably be updated to include eco-terrorists or big oil or someone trying to forcibly cure gays. But the upside is it sheds some light on something that a lot of people have never heard of, and most people have never seen. Right now, AMC is streaming all 17 episodes on its website, and they look a lot better than the old reruns I used to watch as a kid. I implore you to watch, if only to see how an entire act’s worth of traditional swinging 60′s spy yarn exposition is conveyed without any dialogue, before the opening credits roll, and things get weird.

There’s another community rally Monday night in L5P for crime prevention. We will probably all be robbed.

Atlantans Together Against Crime and Cutbacks (ATACC) from Grayson Daughters on Vimeo.

Put your address into this handy map app and see what your neighbors have been up to. My hood looks like somebody spilled a Scrabble game on it.

Start pumping the KY Yours & Mine directly into the Lincoln Bedroom.

If you answered “yes,” you’re probably a little right. But you’re probably not as bad as this bitch. I’m all for honesty, but you probably shouldn’t tell the Daily Mail that you don’t love your 11-year-old daughter, and never did.

I don’t think the original ads from Crispin are all that great creatively, and strategically are borderline retarded, but this is pretty funny.

Do you really, really like the most perfect way to eat meat? Do you need a new holiday? I’ll see you Monday.

Clearly, yellow cannot be mellow at Virginia Tech. Is there something in the math books?

I didn’t mean like this. NSFW? Maybe? I don’t know. Just weird.

I didn’t know what this product was until I watched the step-by-step setup video. Now I need to order one. It’s chime-tastic. And NSFW-ish.

Watchmen-y!!!!

The funniest 30 seconds on the internets. Literally. I peed myself.
I am also very old and pee myself easily.

In honor of our historic day, I give you, What Could Have Been.

I don’t know exactly why, but this picture just makes me squeal with laughter.

Do you like McNuggets? Open up and say yum.

It doesn’t matter how cool you are. You will never be as cool as this.

They are magical and can solve all our problems. Like Jesus.

I liked it.

Of course, I have stupid taste in everything.

Apparently, dancing is a perfectly cromulent way to get people to buy cell phones.

Specifically, do you want to be in a zombie movie starring Woody Harrelson?

After all, they’re only called Monster Trucks.

“The death was the latest tragedy in a string of accidents involving the massive trucks, which can weigh more than 9,000 pounds and feature tires more than five feet high. According to the Associated Press, truck accidents have killed five people and injured more than 40 between 1992 and 2007.”

Five people in 15 years… clearly it’s an epidemic.

The Most Loathsome of 2008 is out, and you even made the list.

Will you Q high? Do you know what women really care about? Then maybe you can compete (that’s right, compete) to get some whore to pick you to be her sugar daddy. On TV.

A lottery whose proceeds go to victims of sex crimes. Oops.