I mean, hello? Just because one of your stepdaughters is only famous for having a big ass and a sex tape doesn’t mean you can afford to not let your 9-year-old daughter practice on a stripper pole.

Actually, that’s a lie. But it is delicious.
A friend who always seems to be on the cutting edge, and is a total FILTH (and I’m not just buttering him up so he’ll let me ride his Segway), has a milk refrigerator in his basement. He explained that organic milk not only tasted better, but lasted way longer, hence the ability to have a dozen gallons of milk on hand for his family of three. Now, I’m not one to jump on the organic bandwagon. Typically that sort of thing falls within the same level of contempt as “hybrids” and “yoga.” But I tried it, and damn it if he wasn’t right. That led me to try Hood Simply Smart. While not technically “organic” it is “ultra-filtered” and tastes awesome and lasts even longer than the organic kind. So go buy some.

After Friday’s mega-event of arena rock from Bruuuce, it was time to turn in my UAW card for a pocket protector. Last night was Joe Jackson at the Variety Playhouse. Equally awesome in its own way. In 24 hours I saw Springsteen go down Thunder Road, and Joe Jackson ask if She was really going out with him. Pretty damn sweet.

I’ve always loved Joe Jackson. He usually gets overlooked for Elvis Costello, but I preferred Joe. Don’t get me wrong, Elvis is great. Anybody who loves Bacharach and Diana Krall is ok in my book. But when Elvis was all piss and vinegar at the system and old people and shaking his fist for a change in that system, Joe was already lamenting a lost cause. Joe Jackson knew there wasn’t any hope. He knew love was pointless, and never lasted. He knew relationships were doomed, and he knew we all die alone, regardless of the plans we make or the dreams we have, and then nobody gives a shit. He knew we were all fools in love, whether we looked sharp or not. He understood it was different for girls, and the best we can ever hope for is to be somebody’s #2 (he really is a genius with the lyrics).

His new record is quite good, and very much a throwback to the old Look Sharp days. I’m particularly fond of Wasted Time, which he peformed last night and sounded (and looked) pretty much just like this:

A few weeks ago I saw Shelby Lynne at the same awesome venue, and Joe’s melancholy reminded me a lot of Shelby. With her new album of Dusty Springfield covers and her own catalog of love gone wrong songs, they make for a powerful double billing.

So here’s to the those who are pissed off about something that really matters – not the lies about the government, or censorship, or art – the lies about love.

PS – Joe Jackson is also a strong opponent of the militant anti-smoking nazis that are Oprah-ing up the world. So I love him even more.

A layperson was asking me the other day “Where do the commercial people come up with all that great music?” The better question is, “Why doesn’t anybody ever know where the ‘musician’ got it from?”

Saw Springsteen Friday night. It was really quite something. It was old school Bruuuuce. I guess he knows where his bread is buttered, especially when the cheapest seats are $100.

I’d never seen a show at Phillips Arena where the entire floor was general admission. It made for a scene right out of the Dancing In The Dark video, with fans pumping their fists and slapping their palms right on the stage. Luckily there were still actual seats on the sides for us old folks.

There was a group of women in front of me, obviously on a girl’s night out. They were a few years older than me, and were (mostly) attractive, lubricated, and having a great time without any mens. The one right in front of me was a HUGE Bruce fan, and sang along to every song in that, “I’m going to point at my friends and sing the song in a knowing way to prove I’m a bigger fan than anyone else here” sort of way. She was also one of those people that has to dance all the time. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Provided you’re not behind her trying to watch Nils Lofgren’s insane guitar solo on Murder Incorporated. I kind of wanted to punch her really hard in the neck.

Bruce kept mixing it up, keeping the E Street Band on their toes, not even sticking to his own hand-written set list. Max may be part Terminator, as I have no idea how a man of any age could drum like that without a break for two and a half hours. By the time the encore rolled around, I was already pretty satisfied with the set-ending climax of a rollicking version Badlands. But when you come back out with Thunder Road going seamlessly into Born to Run, followed by Rosalita and then an orgasmic 10th Avenue Freeze Out, you have what women refer to as “multiples.”

To paraphrase, it was as if millions of boomers suddenly cried out in ecstasy and were suddenly silenced. I fear something blue collar has happened.

It’s how people know you really care about them.

I don’t know who “they” are.

But I do know I always loved Paul Davis’ song.

RIP. It would have been cool to hear you sing ’65 Love Affair at 65. Oh well.

Watch freshly dead Paul introduced by long dead Ricky. Sadness ensues.

I like to while away the days at work explaining to the cute 20-year-old who people like Burt Reynolds and Sally Field are.

I’m pretty sure Paul Anka is not even worth the energy.

I blame Bill Clinton, Arsenio Hall, and that damned sax. Welcome to America, hillbillies. We get the dignitaries we deserve.

While I definitely do not care for what Oprah has done to us as a people, and for the “liberation” of women and their “responsibilities” as the silent incubators our one true God designed them to be, this is a little over the top. But I guess that’s what it takes to sell a book these days. maybe they can get it on Oprah’s Book Club.

I didn’t go to Dragon*Con last year – I was curled up in a fetal position all weekend after realizing I was going to die alone. I considered going to San Diego this year, but it’s sold out. Maybe next year. And I wasn’t in New York this past weekend, so I missed all the fictional super heroes with made up powers, like “The Pope.” Zing!

But the internets make missing news like BET producing cartoons a little easier. And you get one guess which super hero they’re doing.

Unless you get scammed by internet fraudsters preying on your desire to have someone give a shit about you. Or you’re dumb enough to not make her pay for half of everything.

madabouttapirs.com

A few weeks ago, my long time lover’s parents were in town for a visit. So we took a break from all the sex and cooing at each other in our secret language of adulterous sex talk. I met her, her parents, and her husband at my new favorite restaurant, Fox Bros Bar-B-Q. I’ll tell you what, Mandi’s husband Ross is one good sport. What with all the sex.

Anyhoo, in all seriousness, it was a true delight meeting Mandi’s parents, and as I explained to them, Ross & Mandi have been really great friends to me. After spending a little time with the Smiths, it’s clear the apples don’t fall too far from the tree up Ohio way, and it was my pleasure to share my holiest church of smoked pork and fried cheeses with them in a sign of appreciation.

I was going through my mail pile yesterday, and I don’t know how long it was there, but I discovered a Thank You note from Mandi’s folks. An honest to gosh hand written Thank You note.

The truth is, I am the one who should be thanking them, for molding a couple of the best friends a fellow like me could ask for.

And now I know how Mandi learned how to put all that meat away.

Oh snap! No I di-int! Totally gonna have sex with Mandi’s mom!

I wonder where they got this idea?

You’ve no doubt read the story about the gold digger and her YouTube video.

Now dudes are swinging back:

This time, it wasn’t entirely my fault I’ve been gone.

I was hacked with the porn.

Who knew porn could be bad?

I think I lost some comments, and I apparently lost by backlog of emergency posts. Oh well. Here’s to the future!

Thanks to Steve for the tech support. Go get some web goodness from Code18, or go buy a record from Joe Rockhead.

can you hear me now?

Don’t blame me if you kill yourself after you watch this.
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Did you know you can watch every episode of South Park, unedited, for free? It really is one of the smartest shows ever made. So get to watchin’.

There must be more to the story of the “Naked Tickler” Sentenced To 25 Years In Prison. If you read the initial story, it’s pretty innocuous. In a weird, creepy, GILFy sort of way. And frankly, if you can be 50 and look as good as that guy, I’m going to stop urinating into 7-Up bottles an start urinating into milk cartons.

So the Australian incest story has been getting a lot of play, so if you want to see the whole thing, TV-style, here it is.

The frustrating thing is black dudes can still pull this shit off.
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I do. I like this one a lot. I would pay money to get it on my iPod. (hint, hint)

I love waffles. I love sausage. Hummie puts them together. The question is: Can I wait the 6 hours of marinating time?

It’s ok. Sometimes it makes me say it too.
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