All you college football fans out there, if you’ve been seeing those Capitol One Bowl Week spots with the mascots flinging their own poo at each other and found yourself whispering, “Hey, that guy who says, ‘What’s in your wallet?’ at the end of the commercials sure sounds sexy,”… he is.
He really, really is.

My work spouse calls it “Tragic Brilliance.” Bono may reclaim his 80′s coolness when he hears this and goes on a killing spree.

ATHF: the Movie: the Trailer.

Xbox 360 to host digital downloads of all your favorite movies this holiday.

It’s the 6-minute pre-title prologue sequence to The Pick of Destiny, with the most genius casting of JB’s father possible.

NSFW, because work is is no place for vulgar language.

This week’s Kanye, Faith Hill looks like a doofus at last night’s CMA Awards when she lost the big one to an American Idol. Jesus take the wheel!

I’ve been sitting on this for a week or so because I wanted to do it right. And “right” in this case meant waiting for the pictures.

It’s always a tightrope when the new job asks you to help out with the office Halloween party. Especially when you’re slightly messed up in the head and everybody knows it. If they ask you, then that must mean they want something a little “off,” right?

It seemed like a good idea at the time. The fact that I had to break a few Interstate Commerce laws and lie to a medical supply house about my nonexistent biotech lab seemed like a pretty basic cost of entry.

And so it came to pass that a tightly wound group of advertising professionals ended up playing with dead pigs.

In case you’re wondering what bulk fetal pigs look like fresh from the vine, it’s something like an entire fraternity stuffed in a phone booth, with an overwhelming stench of airplane glue.

Not knowing exactly what I might be exposing my coworkers to, I thought it a good idea to rinse off the little critters the night before.

Keep this in mind the next time I invite you over for pasta.

Yellow and blue make green.

It didn’t take me long to get the system down: drain, rinse, drain, towel, bag, repeat. After about an hour, my fridge looked like something out of Manhunter.

And so, the next day it was off to work. As a xenophobic misanthrope, I have a small refrigerator in my office to keep my half and half and black tar heroin in, so the 8 little piggies went wee wee wee all the way into my ice box to wait for their big reveal.

Originally, I had planned to have some sort of “dissect-off,” complete with a spleen toss or bobbing for kidney competition, but as the day grew closer, the less appropriate that seemed for an office party where 80% of the staff Purells their keyboard. But I’d already spent $200 on the pigs, so the die was somewhat cast. Eventually I settled on a natural Halloween activity: a decorating contest.

I went to a few craft shops and collected an assortment of doo-dads. Paint, glitter, fabric, googly eyes, pipe cleaners, fuzz, pom poms, etc. And of course cheap make up. I set up tables with stations, explaining to the teams that we’d be having a timed decorating contest, and then I unveiled my test subject, Suzanne.

You’ll notice she’s not wearing anything from the waist down, because she thinks that’s the appropriate way to dress while she’s telling you she just wants to be friends. But that’s another story.

After the shrieks died down, I was surprised that only one girl started to cry.

And then it was on.

Divided into teams of three, most of the staff really got into the spirit of desecrating. I mean decorating.

There’s just something adorable about a girl who really wants to put a boa on a dead pig.

There were quite a few female-themed pigs, partly because of the color scheme of the decorations I provided, so I take partial responsibility for that.

Though I must say, I did think this warrior of the gridiron was quite impressive. The googly-eye as earring was a nice touch.

Of course, there were some political statements. (Its says “Vote Sonny”)

Some seemed to be not so much decorating a dead animal as crafting the perfect Saturday night.

Not all the entries ended up looking very good. Or have any discernable concept. Or fear of God’s almighty wrath.

Obviously, the irony of virtually everyone in an ad agency putting lipstick on a pig was not lost. At least on me.

At then end of the day, this little number ended up winning. I think her name was Ellie May. Or Linda Sue. Or something like that.

But really, we were all winners. Because no one will ever forget Kilgy’s Halloween party ’06.

I’ve already started saving up for next year. Cats are way more expensive than pigs.

When Public Enemy Number One looks like this, how hard is it to catch him?

Convert any text to sound like it’s been written by a 12-year-old girl.

It’s especially effective at taking the sting out of Dear John e-mails:

IMM OFTAN EXHAUSTED BY AL DA PAOPLE I HAEV 2 COMUNICAET WIT EV3RYDAY AND FIND IT LAAEVS ME WIT LITLE AT DA AND OF A USUALY LONG DAY!!!!1 OMG I GUES I JUST DONT/WONT HAEV TAHT MUCH 2 GIEV OF MYS3LF RIGHT NOW AND M TRYNG 2 FIGURA OUT WUT I WANT!11111 OMG WTF LOL I RILLY DO ANJOY U AND HAEV ANJOYED OUR TIEM 2G3TH3R BUT I DONT THINK IMM IN ANYWAY R3ADY 2 B A GIRLFREIND!1!1!1!!! U R FAR NIECR AND CARNG THAN I ALOW MYS3LF 2 B OR ANJOY!1!1!1! OMG WTF IMM NOT SUR3 WUT 2 SAY OMG WTF LOL I DIDNT INT3ND 2 B HURTFUL BUT IMM NOT SURE I CAN B MOR3 THAN WUT I M!111!11!! LOL AND IT SEMS IMM STIL SOMAONA UNWILNG 2 GIEV UP SOM3 OF MAH CONTROL AND H3ADSPAEC FOR SOM3ON3 ALS3!!!1!!1 LOL IMM SORY U MAED ME FEL VERY GOD 2 MAH FOCUS JUST ISNT THEYRE Y3T!111111!! OMG WTF LOL W3L WRITNG ANY OF THES MAEKS ME SAD UR A RILLY NEAT MAN!!1!!1!! WTF LOL IMM AT A LOS!1111! OMG WTF

It’s two great tastes that go great together. It’s SILENCE! Silence of the Lambs: The Musical.

Now go put the lotion in the basket.

And read a review.

I can’t remember if I posted this before. It’s kind of old and graying, but definitely worth a second look.

If you’ve got 15 minutes to kill, enjoy watch a Star Wars fan film shot entirely with action figures. At least you didn’t spend 2 years making it.

You can read the article to find out why.

“Although I agree that married people should have sex and it is God’s gift to a married couple, I have not found anywhere in the Bible where a vibrator is permissible, so that part of it I am not so convinced on yet.”
-Missy, St. Paul, Minn.

Ironically, when your children are old, rain will taste just like tartar sauce.

Neil Patrick Harris wants to dispel any rumors that he is straight. I would like to encourage the ones that I am.

It “cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons.”

OPEN MID-COVERSATION AS SEMI-HOT GIRL PSYCHOANALYZES A THIRD PARTY

SEMI-HOT: …the thing is, Bob is intimidated because he thinks you’re funnier than him… which you totally are, way funnier, and he’s just not used to that…

UGLY GUY: …huh, that’s, uh, interesting… I didn’t realize you felt…

SEMI-HOT: …yeah, I have a huge crush on him. He’s so hot. Do you think he’d ever leave his wife?

AND… SCENE

Here I go throwing good money after bad again.