Despite the implicit knowledge that anything over 19 is old, sad and disgusting, Americans claim 60 is middle aged. And then you die. Like 8 months later. Congrats on the math, America.

I’m going to start counting and see how many weeks it takes the guy sitting next to me to ask me if I’ve seen this.

Last night I was all depressed because I’ll never be EVP/global executive creative director on one of the world’s most dynamic brands.

Or have hair.

But now I’m depressed because I’ll never be Trey Parker.

Gamecocks. Skinning coons. High powered rifles. Chevy Corsicas. Invisibility. $20 not paid.

A recipe for stereotyping.

in a country that says I can’t have sex with a deer carcass I find on the side of the road. What is this? China? AM I IN CHINA???

You know what’s apparently Christian and Republican? Not knowing what the fuck you’re talking about.

Concerned that the Christmas festival may put a little too much emphasis on the birth of some guy, Chicago decides not to show scenes from The Nativity Story, cowers in corner, converts to Islam.

Studies show water is wet.

U2 + Jesus = U2charist.

It’s nice to know that when I die in plain sight sitting upright on the futon, it’ll still be weeks before I’m found.

Botched penis enlargement + Anarchist’s Cookbook = enlarged colon.

I only wish it were a class action.

Bald is beautiful

This video is much better.

Oh, wait. yes he does.

The Stones pay hot girls $75 to sit in the front row and sing along to songs their grandparents did it to.

For all you Highland residents who’ve always wanted to know: what is the deal with that guy, and HOLY CRAP that is big.

Thanks to Scott for the heads up.

And I’m not talking about getting older.

I would seriously like someone to explain this issue to me. Because maybe I don’t understand “free markets” and “the Constitution.”

I guess this story is about how dumb the media is. At least that’s how I choose to read it.

I’ll be in the office all afternoon if NBC is interested.

After posting it just a few days ago on a whim because I couldn’t remember if I had MONTHS ago when I first saw it, Advertising Age has a piece on the “huge PR success” for dye FOR WOMEN’S PUBIC HAIR. How the agency is responsible for the unprecedented interest shown in the website for dye for WOMEN’S PUBIC HAIR. How no one has had this much interest in hair dye before. Golly, I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to get people to show interest in dye for WOMEN’S PUBIC HAIR. ON THE INTERNET.

I am literally swimming in retards.

Yes. Literally. The backstroke. Through retards.

Eat me.

First – what the hell are they wasting the other 99% on?

Second – if they criminalize porn, only criminals will get to masturbate. Or something. Where’s my credit card?!?

Seriously. It does not get any crazier than this. He is “hypothetically” the most self deluded man on the planet. “If” my ass. Holy crap. Holy crap.

Studies show something about going to Europe or living in the Sunbelt makes you happier than that new car or winning the lottery or… oh, God… it really does hurt everywhere…

You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don’t mess around with the King.

From the “Too Weird not to be True” file: Hugh Laurie saves Sasha’s ass from a beating.

As I sit here trying to find a new and innovative way to say the exact same thing about a product I said last quarter, and the quarter before that, and the quarter before that, I took a break and headed over to catch up on my Danny G columns over at Talent Zoo. He always has something interesting to say, and this particular one was playing directly into my current dilemma. Go ahead and read it. It’s short. I’ll wait.

Ok. To be fair and objective, it’s not one of his most groundbreaking theses. “Talk to consumers as you’d have others talk to you.” It’s practically Biblical in its simplicity. And as a side note, I’d argue that my experience in advertising has had very little effect on my propensity to be swayed by advertising itself. I still desperately want to believe that the label of my beer will make beautiful girls surround me. Or that the label of my shampoo will give me thicker, more luxurious hair, insuring beautiful girls will surround me. Or that the label on my seaweed pills will give me thicker, stronger erections, insuring beautiful girls will surround my thicker, stronger… Anyway, maybe I’m just a lot dumber. But I digress.

What sprung from Danny’s article colliding with my daily grind isn’t what he said, but what he didn’t say – the cause of this homogenization of message. As laser focused and exact as “research” (which in my experience often amounts to a mid-level client’s anecdotal instincts) and “profiling” (a word that only has positive connotations in advertising) can be, clients appetites are ever hungry for broader – broader reach, broader frequency, broader potential customers. Even if it means cannibalizing themselves. As their eyes get bigger, and they clamor for a broader audience, they figure their message needs to be broader. Less likely to offend or alienate. And de-smarter. Common sense says if there’s one retard in the group, you’re going to have to talk to all of them like retards. It’s simple math. Doi. (that’s actually a quote from one past client)

As clients grow dissatisfied with their market share and thrust the responsibility of increasing it on us instead of God forbid their own product or business model, they grow less and less tolerant of risk. Ironically, the more a client needs to take a chance the less likely they actually will. Hakuna Matata.

I’ve had the pleasure of working on clients whose representatives openly hated their target market. Or were shockingly ignorant of them. Or worse, were convinced they understood them but clearly did not. Then there’s the corporate “status quo” quotient of impressing your boss. That’s the part where “it’s not me, it’s the president. He really wants to do X, even though we all know we should do Y. I’ll be sure to blame the agency when it doesn’t work. Anyway, good luck with that!” There’s a million reasons why we’re stuck doing the same old stuff. I’m not sure what the solution to most of them are. I met a big time agency consultant a few weeks ago whose revolutionary suggestion was to “say no” to clients more. Or maybe he said to “beat your own scrotum with a hammer.” I forget. It was one or the other. Whatever it was, it seemed like a sure fire way to succeed.

Ultimately, as much as we the advertising professionals are all consumers, an even more influential and simplistic thing to keep in mind is that clients, nay, brands, are all people. Scared, insecure people who want to be liked and be surrounded by beautiful girls. And everybody knows the girls don’t go home with the guy who talks to them like a human being. That’s why they have gay friends. No, girls go home with the guy that beats his chest.

“Studies show” people are stupid. All of my clients will tell you this. Maybe they’re right. I know I am. Ask me about jelqing.

The new long trailer for Spiderman 3 is online, but sadly no Quicktime, so it looks pretty much like ass unless you’re running Windows ’95.