First of all, the world is a vulgar place. Especially the world of advertising. It’s full of disgusting things, including but limited to: expectorating, flatulence, even the occasional weeping sore. Samoas and Tagalongs notwithstanding, you’re just going to have to steel yourself to a little spatter.

Second of all, I am a horrible, horrible person.

At some point, chances are I’m going to say something that offends you to your core. It doesn’t mean I don’t respect you. It just means I don’t respect your feelings.

Get ready for your last sense to be assaulted by Advertising.

Daddy needs to make an offer.

In 1984, Director Stanley Kubrick placed ads throughout the U.S. for young aspiring actors to send in audition tapes for “Full Metal Jacket”. This is one of them.

They just don’t make TV like they used to.

Just in time for Halloween, discover the joys of sub-dermal decorative implants.

Whatever you do, try to restrain yourself from purchasing an innapropriate gift for your child, despite it clearly being innapropriate. But you don’t have any choice, do you?

Only vote.

Enjoy your pig in its natural skin.

Once you have them on, it will be “hard” to take them off.

Get it?

“Hard.”

Like your cock.

When you wear women’s underwear.

Homo.

Supposedly the opening 4 minutes of what’s being called the funniest movie of the year.

In case you’ve only caught him on the Today Show, or maybe Fox & Friends, or read about him in the New York Times, get the whole story of Aleksey Vayner: Wall Street Wack Job.

See the video that started it all here.

And be sure to watch Donny Deutsch prove he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about here. As usual.

Everybody’s talking about the Dove Transformation of a Model spot, where an “average” looking woman is turned into a beauty with lighting, makeup and photoshop. How empowering. How revolutionary. What a bunch of crap.

I applaud Dove for stooping to new lows to sell pride to women with low self esteem, while being lauded for finally giving a voice to the disenfranchised “plain” girl. Kudos. Kudos.

That’s what they call this exciting new way to make your baby crap all over itself.

You can listen to a few cuts from a strange sounding 70′s flick that had then-pop artists covering Beatles tunes. Like Bryan Ferry.

From the “eventually everything will be cought on tape” file: Skateboarder Gets Struck By Lightning.

Leave it to them to come up with the ultimate American snack.

Soft rock god John Mayer mind screws some of his teenage female fans. Because he’s bored with actually screwing them.

Frustrated lesbian tries to kill herself by ramming her parents’ Mercedes head-on into a Daewoo. Guess who actually died!

With three levels of intensity, you’ll be masturbating to underage Asian girls
in no time.

Watch a pitching machine shoot balls at a guy’s, uh, man parts, to demonstrate the revolutionary Nutty Buddy. It’s an athletic supporter that doesn’t “force the genitals into small, cramped spaces.” Because God knows I HAVEN’T BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT FOR DECADES.

Adult Swim’s new Frisky Dingo looks to replace Sealab 2021 as the network’s most accessible show, while still managing to be funny. The first episode aired this past weekend, and made me giggle out loud several times. Here’s a little interview with one of the creators, and a clip of the promo for the show. Extra funny for marketing types. And nerds.

Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don’t turn it off! It wasn’t my war! You asked me, I didn’t ask you! And I did what I had to do to win! But somebody wouldn’t let us win!

Guy gets 160 years in jail for killing his family so he could go to the prom. I take that back. I hope he didn’t get laid. But he probably did.

As Steve says, the headline says it all.

“I just get excited and some that are dangerous I just think, ‘Oooh! What’s going to happen?’ and things like that.” – 8-year-old Bindi Irwin on the dangerous animals she’ll frolic with on hernew show.

Married people no longer the majority.

How bad was the grade school teasing for Channel 2 Action News anchor Richard Belcher?