Unattractive working-class city-dweller can’t understand why we can’t all ride solar-powered unicorns to our film festivals.

I saw this website last week, and made note to maybe post it if things got slow, but now, “the broken laptop i sold on ebay” is news. The butt of the website is suing the writer, claiming it’s a hate crime. Hmmm… he committed a crime, and he got hated for it. Sounds about right to me.

Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I will take my inspiration from Thomas Autry, local badass who confronted 4 would-be armed attackers with a pocket knife, and managed to kill one and scare the others away.

I will be “Tall Guy.” So watch it.

Cleveland (shocker) Indians relief pitcher runs away from police after being pulled over with a drunk girl in his car that wasn’t his wife.

A pair of Washington Wizards got arrested in Miami Beach over the weekend for being douchebags. The police proved them wrong after one of them said “You can’t arrest me. I’m a basketball player.”

Do you like hunting? But hate the thought of getting out of your car? Maybe you should move to Tennessee.

Thanks to Neel for pointing out a huge show I may have missed. June 13th at The Variety Playhouse, the incomparable sounds of none other than Steven Seagal will roll through town. He truly is hard to kill.

Indie comic artist briefly describes the differences between this weekend’s box office smash and its source material and may explain why nerds aren’t that impressed.

Pat Robertson’s miracle shake gives him the strength of 3 football players. P.S. God hates homos.

So today is the 1-year anniversary of PMF. 12 months ago today was my first post. Not much has happened in a year. The 7 people who read this thing can attest to that. I don’t think I’ve pissed too many people off, mostly because I’m a giant puss. Because I could drop some crazy knowledge, believe me. Every once in a while I get in a pissy mood and tell it like it is, and people freak out because they can’t handle the way the world really works. People are funny like that.

But today is just a busy day at work. No time for fireworks or birthday candles, or the raw, unadulterated truth that may force you to face your own shortcomings by living vicariously through mine.

No, to commemorate the occasion, we’ll just click on a link, and savor the misfortune of someone else.

Seriously. What is up with Ohio?

Bonus links!

The reporter’s blog,
and the perp’s MySpace page.

Pair of crones have been using their wiles to con men into signing their lives away. Then they get run over by a car.

I’ll just tell you straight up, this is master thespian Bill Shatner talk singing Harry Chapin’s “Taxi” on the Dinah Shore show.

The only thing more awesome than that sentence is the video.

Article of interest to any of the Atlanta ad people who have a vested interest in keeping those fat expense accounts flowing.

Tales From Packaging Hell opines on the increasing problem of actually getting into the bubble wrapped, shink clinged and plastic cased electronic doo-dads we buy.

Texas outlaws high dive boards from swimming pools.

“I know diving boards are a lot of fun. But why wait until someone is injured?”

Marie Osmond is shocked that there’s naughty stuff on the internets, and that her teenage daughers are giant whores.

(Call me.)

The little hottie from ER shills for her hometown in a new tourism initiative that produces live commercials before Broadway plays. Nothing is officially sacred.

Trailer for new Michael Rapaport movie, which would be good enough if only to get him off my TV and that God awful Fox sitcom. But it actually looks like if might be good. It’s like Unbreakable but funny. On purpose.

Leave it to nerds to turn a Mac into a lightsaber. Maybe I’ll try it, get beaten up, and tell you all about it.

Mom Gets Custody Of Son Who Lost Fingers In Grinder

&

Daughter Lures Attacking Bear Away From Mother With Lunch Meat

It’s funny because it’s true.

Which is still not enough to keep people from peeing on my house.

I got robbed at a Taco Bell drive through once. I lost the 4 dollars I had in my hand that I was going to pay for my Mexican Pizza with. I went hungry that night, like a child of the undocumented American for which that pizza is named. In Ohio, robbers just go straight for the food.

The New Yorker finally gets to the bottom of the Nigerian e-mail grift that somehow snookers people with much more money than me.

Despite sounding like what I used to do in my office when no one was looking, this odd site is dedicated to ads of yore that incorporated the spirit of a free market economy with beating your children.

Especially good, the one that says if you don’t switch to Sanka, you’re going to be a bad father.

Feel the feeling, as the greatest band of all time explains the Majesty of Rock.

Kinda gross, but fairly flawless portraits of famous blondes in chewed gum.