So the White House Correspondents’ dinner was Saturday, and the brain trust got Stephen Colbert to speak. What, was Barbra Streisand not available? Colbert ripped the administration a new one, conveniently under the guise of his ultra-conservative TV persona, with W sitting ten feet away. Can someone say awkward?

Crooks and Liars has video, and C-SPAN is running it pretty much all weekend.

Not quite as fish-in-a-barrel funny as Sack’s leather pants, and it’s probably not going to garner any job offers like the wedding dress, but someone’s taken the opportunity to blow some steam off on eBay by selling their portfolio case. May be a little inside baseball, but still pretty funny, in a “oh, yeah. think I’ll kill myself now” sort of way.

I don’t regularly watch the show, I just catch the crazy clips on The Soup, but this week’s episode of the nutbag hair stylist Jonathan Antin’s descent into narcisistic madness, Blow Out, features his attempt to make a commercial. I just happen to know the DP who shot it, and he assures me the shoot was typically rife with drama, and should make for some totally hoagie reality television. Tuesday at 9 on Bravo. Just saw the promo for it, and poor Jordan looks a little dazed.

And if anybody’s looking for an awesome DP with bangin’ hair, check out Jordan Levy.

There’s a new record store on the net, and it’s taking cyberspace by storm. It’s Joe Rockhead, and, like a brilliant man once said, it’s just the good stuff. If you’re a Grup like me, or just like music that doesn’t blow, you can find something you’ll dig. So go buy something.

I have yet to see one in action, but the new HD-DVD players are out, and the reviews are a bit of a mixed bag.

I heart Cartoon Network. Now they’re streaming full length episodes of various Adult Swim shows right on their site. Sadness is for poor people.

Kids love to play Jedi. With things like digital video cameras and Adobe After Affects, nerds can really do some impressive things. Like blow Lucas’ shit away.

Via: VideoSift

College student’s body ends up in a Jersey landfill. Interestingly, no foul play is suspected.

Chinese bra makers amp up D cup production as Asian breasts get fuller, silkier, more luxurious to the touch and imposibler to get out of my head. Or just fuller.

Bill O’Reilly went from Inside Edition to being the darling of the red states all while begging for sex over the phone. Poor Maury Povitch has been languishing in infotainment much longer, but finally realized he needed some of the nasty to compete.

Ad Age’s new format for Spots of the Week seems to run smoother and the quality’s a lot better. Plus you get to read fun little tidbits like this:

Ad Age has received one complaint from a viewer who said the ad caused her to relive the horrors of her own accident. She said the experience of watching the spot, directed by Phil Morrison of Epoch Films in Beverly Hills, was ‘similar to watching the planes collide with the Twin Towers.’

Teh new hotness: Lacrosse style.

As a fairly comfortable heterosexual, I can safely say I do not believe in the glove. I’m just not that interested in taking it to dudes.

In a fairly intriguing model, Haggar has not only hired Crispin to sell its chinos and sport shirts, they’ve thrown in some incentive by giving them a stake in the company.

The Studio Punk had this on his site. It’s wicked hoagie.

No, I’m not talking about Silent Hill. I’m talking about the perfect synthesis of swords, kicks to the face and boobies – the most excellently redundant DOA: Dead or Alive .

Roving gang of chimps attack a jeep full of American relief workers and kill their driver.

Man speeding to his job at Denny’s hits woman so hard her severed torso ends up in his back seat. Then, mysteriously, the dumpster at Denny’s.

I’ve never been a fan of Subway. Coming from an Italian family with its roots in NYC, a Subway sandwich has about as much credibility in my house as bottled spaghetti sauce. Historically, they’ve used sub-par meats, flavorless processed chesses and rolls that make Wonder® bread taste old-world hearty. So it was with more than a little disappointment that they opened a thousand yards from my front door instead of the far superior Quizno’s or Shlotzky’s. Hell, I’d have been thrilled with a Blimpie.

That being said, every 18 months or so, out of necessity or my constantly misspent paucity of optimism, I find myself in a Subway restaurant. Today was such a day.

I walked out of the Great Clips and was about to go to the grocery store when I thought I should probably eat something first to avoid the dangerous binge purchases. And there’s the Subway. I stared at it for a minute, knowing I’d regret it, but I went in anyway.

As soon as I entered, the first clue it was going to be a bad experience was the line. 4 o’clock on a Sunday, and it was 6 people deep. There were two women “working” but one of them was busy with a customer. What appeared to be a stereotypical Inman Park Betty was returning a sandwich. Never a good sign. She had ordered a turkey and cheese with black olives for her daughter, who she informed everyone was waiting in the car, and this sandwich was clearly not turkey and cheese with black olives. Granted, the Achilles heel of the Subway restaurant is also its genius. Allowing the customer to order any number of combinations is a recipe for disaster, especially when you’re dealing with the “sandwich artists” that are typically in residence at a Subway. So by installing the see-through counter at the prep station, the designers have injected some shared responsibility with the patron. You tell the dropout what you want, and then watch to make sure they do it right. It’s a simple, yet usually effective system, like when you tell your dog not to eat the Thin Mints on the coffee table, but you know you have to stare at him to make sure he doesn’t. This lady had obviously blinked just long enough for the sandwichier to completely F up a 3-ingredient sub.

The girl at the register handled the mistake well, apologizing and assuring the upset customer she’d get her correct sandwich. I say “well” only in a comparative sense, as the older woman actually “making” sandwiches and responsible for the gaffe, profoundly did not. As she waited for some pre-cooked bacon to come out of the microwave, and instead of moving on to the next order, or making up the missing turkey sandwich, or simply keeping her mouth shut, she waited a few awkward beats to let everyone know she was wasn’t doing dick until that bacon was done and said, “You shouldn’t leave a child alone in a car. It’s dangerous.” Oh no, she didn’t.

It is at this point the curtain rises on Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Crack Head Sister.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying I wouldn’t leave my child in a car just because I got the wrong sandwich.” (I’m paraphrasing here, because much of what she said was just clear enough to get the point across, yet far too unintelligible to recount verbatim.)

Watching a privileged housewife and an indignant incompetent go at it is actually a lot more tedious than it sounds, because you can’t decide who you want to die more. The lady behind the counter kept mumbling about how “why didn’t you bring her back in with you” and “batman windowsill donkey shirt,” (I think) and not making sandwiches, and the Betty snapped, “Just make the sandwich!” and stormed out to check on her progeny. After she left, sandwich lady kept berating her and eventually continued her job, albeit slowly and wrong. Betty came back, got her sandwich and ceremoniously unwrapped it in front of everyone to make sure it was in fact correct, then left in a cloud of contempt.

The worker’s general lack of cognitive skill was compounded by her complete lack of understanding of the menu. When I finally was able to place my order, she mumbled something that I took to be “What do you want?” I pointed at the full color poster of the toasted Italian BMT, with new Toasted Garlic Bread and Mozzarella®. I said, “I’ll have the toasted Italian BMT.” She mumbled something I couldn’t make out, she repeated, she repeated again. Finally, I realized she was asking what type of bread. “The toasted garlic bread, like on the poster.” Then she asked me something else about bread I didn’t make out. At this point she became frustrated with me, because I hadn’t taken into account you can choose which “type” of bread from their wondrous array of choices, which amount to white, “wheat” or white with some flavor sprinkles. Long story short, I watched her make the sandwich, and even with my self-imposed limited Subway experience I could tell she was making a “Spicy Italian” not an “Italian BMT.” It was go time.

The sandwich came out of the NASA built toaster, which is actually a combination microwave/convection oven that does no favors to their bread, and it was register girl’s turn to top it.

“What do you want on it?”

“Ham.”

“?”

“The Italian BMT has ham.”

This was turning out to be a long day for sandwich lady. She stared at me and back at register girl who I could tell had had it up to here with sandwich lady.

She stared at the open sandwich for a moment as her walnut processed the possibilities for escape. “He said Spicy Italian!”

“No. I said Italian BMT. Like on the poster. That I pointed at.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, he did,” from one of the 15 people behind me.

“I mean. It’s not like there’s a “Spicy Italian” and a “Ricey Italian.” That might be confusing. But I ordered an “Italian BMT.” Doesn’t sound anything like “Spicy Italian.” See how in one, “Italian” comes first, and in the other, it comes last? That’s so you can’t confuse them.”

With her snail’s pace work ethic, for once I’d had enough time to think my bon mot through, which was nice.

Register girl added the ham, apologized for her coworker – again, and I took my sandwich to go and ate it on a bench outside so I wouldn’t have to spend another minute in that palace of human failure.

I won’t be going back to that Subway. I may never go to another Subway again. The food is edible, and makes hunger subside (though, to a certain extent, the same can be said for just the thought of eating Subway), but I don’t need that kind of shit. I can get that at the DMV.

I know it’s like that more and more at more and more places. I don’t know what it comes from. Some of it may be the urban area I live in. As gentrified corporate entities move in to meet the needs of the burgeoning re-pioneers, they need bodies to work in them. And that’s pretty much all that’s available. Bodies. Systems of organs and in skin bags. Sucker fish, glomming on. But would that happen at a Chik-Fil-A? I don’t think it would. Why is that? Maybe instead of spending money on Jon Lovitz, Subway should spend some money on training and hiring actual workers instead of the slack jawed Post Office rejects they usually have. Maybe someone should show a little pride in the work they do instead of the business as usual bullshit that’s going to be the end of the American Empire. Part of me looks forward to it, when it hits the fan and it all goes Lord of the Flies and the streets run red with blood. All because of a sandwich.

D-list multimedia celebrity Marc Ecko took time off from selling his overpriced messenger bags and graffiti video game to spend several hundred thousand dollars to make a hoax video of “artists” tagging Air Force One. Because, um, it’s cool to fake civil disobedience?

Watch the video here.

Charlie Sheen gets faced by his soon to be ex-wife Denise Richards, and The Smoking Gun is there. The 17-page signed declaration from Richards paints a fairly terrifying picture of Sheen, including death threats and gay kiddie porn. But even more disturbing than his chronic gambling, visits from prostitutes, obsession with 9/11 conspiracies and prescription drug abuse is his claim that he wasn’t attracted to Denise Richards.

All in all, a fun read.

Here’s a bit of 80′s nostalgia that’s like like smoking ALF fur laced with crack. It’s the brainchild of Nancy Reagan and Tim Reid (yes, that Tim Reid), and it begs us to Stop The Madness. The madness here being drugs. It’s an all star “We Are the World” type video, featuring everybody from Whitney Houston to Stacy Keach, and more celebs who happen to know a thing or two about drugs. Don’t miss the Hasselhoff cameo.

“You should read this.”
“No, you should go to jail.”

The other stripper from the Duke lacrosse team party admits she never saw any evidence of a rape, but questions the integrity of the boys’ defense because they pointed out she was a convicted liar.

I would never suggest that you should mutilate your dog. Or that there would be a huge market for dogs like this. Or that I would pay a lot of money for a dog like this. Or that you should call me if you can can get me one. Because that’s sick. (call me)

… to clean airplane toilets.” Delta loves to cling to bad ideas, and it shows.

Man charged with rape after woman has consensual sex with him. Sort of.

If anyone can pump some life into the Trek, it’s J.J. Abrams. Not sure how anyone can pull off a young Kirk, though.

New study: Multi-tasking triples car crash risk.