Be sure to perform to the best of your ability by using a quality cross-training machine.

This has been floating around for at least a year, but it’s been making the rounds on the internets again this week. With his recent divorce, I’m sure he’s not Ooga Chakaing like this these days.

More crazy Burger King viral from our friends at Crispin.

In what I assume is a nod to his mentor Jack Lemmon, who held the job for several years in the late 80′s and early 90′s, Kevin Spacey has taken over for Richard Dreyfus as the voice of Honda. Apparently he’s been doing it since October, but I just noticed.

“Too bad she doesn’t try to remain the girl her husband fell in love with.” Hells to the yeah. What is up with that? Ho better get herself to the Harper Method Shop and stop emabarrassing her husband before he quits paying the bills and puts her old ass out. Because I can totally notice it.

More great old ads here, like this one about saving your marriage by douching, this one about how fat girls hate America, or this one, with an appropriately named husband.

Veering dangerously close to Shatnerland, James Lipton sends up this month’s punching bag, K-Fed.

“Grand Theft Auto” is a video game. It features scenes of torture, graphic violence and general lawlessness. You can run over pedestrians with garbage trucks. You can beat them to death with baseball bats. You can blow up busloads of people. You can murder, pimp, sell drugs, and oh yeah, steal cars. It’s great fun. It’s also rated ‘M’ for mature, meaning it “can’t” be sold to anyone under 17. But it also features a buried bit of code that, with the right hardware, cheat codes, a little gum and a Swiss Army knife, lets you perform cunnilingus on a woman. So now it’s offensive, and dangerous, and subject to lawsuits.

Also interesting is CNN’s own raving review of the game from 14 months ago.

Nothing says family fun like game night. And there’s no better board game to help you terrify your children than Left Behind! Because the end times are fun times! You sank my Antichrist!

Mandi’s boyfriend thinks it’s silly that a Playboy Playmate should be allowed a worker’s visa for her ass of “extraordinary ability.”

The ICF (that would be the Intellegent Community Forum, duh) has named the seven finalists for ‘Intellegent Community of the Year.” The only American city to make the cut – Cleveland. Something about broadband economy or something. On a more understandable note, Cleveland is the only NFL city that has neither hosted nor appeared in a Superbowl.

Just a little heads up. One of the joys of TiVo is the ability to find tiny gems you might normally miss because you’re busy watchig CSI: Spokane or something. The onset of 8 billion cable channels means 192 billion hours of programming to fill, and every once in a while one or two are worth watching. Like Canada’s previously mentioned DaVinci’s Inquest, or the latest BBC import, Hustle. AMC is running this British homage to the long con, and it’s quite fun. It follows the exploits of a rag tag group of grifters, plying their trade in London. The black guy from Primary Colors heads up the stereotypical gang – the brilliant, charismatic leader, the mechanical genius, the sexy moll, the young, up and coming street hustler, and the wise, crafty veteran, played by a surprising spry Robert Vaughn, fresh off his syndicated lawyer commercials. It’s hardly an original concept, but the writing is fresh, the attitude is fun, and the cons are exceptionally smart. Plus, because it’s on an upper tier cable channel, they run it about 900 times a week, so your lovely little TiVo can grab it at 3 o’clock in the morning and you never miss Lost.

I’m going to make a Superbowl prediction right here, so listen up.

#1 recall for a commercial will go to Pizza Hut’s spot featuring Jessica Simpson.

It’s a lock.

Good buddy Jerry pointed out this supposedly killed Xbox 360 spot, which is pretty sweet, and the uncanny resemblence to this comedy short.

Super Milf and dust receptacle Shawn Southwick admits to Howard Stern that her husband Larry King enjoys dressing up in the bedroom.

An “industry insider” had told me about this a long time ago, and it seemed so silly at the time, I don’t know why I didn’t think it was perfectly cromulent. Then somebody else reminded me about it the other day, so I figured I’d go ahead and cram it up here. We can look forward to new coffee-flavored Coke, called Coke Blak. Despite what the story says about going after diet soda drinkers, I have it on good authority the marketing plan is clearly targeting the Starbucks generation.

Collection of bug-eyed advertising and packaging kids of the 50′s, who can’t get enough of that Ike era stuff. Plus gnarly food shots.

Sure. Nitti says he’s Kirk. Whatever. The test is obviously fundamentally flawed. Let me in there and let me go all Kobayashi Maru on it, then maybe I’d be Kirk. Instead of some douchebag I’ve never heard of. What the hell is a Kosh, anyway? Though I do kind of like the synopsis:

A reclusive seer shrouded in riddles, you reveal very little and only what is deemed congruent with your plans.

So Sunday’s Boondocks featured a story about Grandad opening a soul food restaurant. Where he “invented” something called a Luther. An enormous burger, served on a grilled Krispy Kreme donut. Named after Luther Vandross.

The moral of the story was exploring the historically unhealthy diet of African Americans, with a side of indignation at the gentrification of black cuisine.

I’m just saying.

Looking for someone to blame for not getting dates with Denzel-caliber men, columnist lumps King Kong in with the millennia-old conspiracy to propagate the myth that “blond is beautiful,” and dark is ugly. “Hollywood sells this image, but we don’t have to buy it.” Because Hollywood is so known for original thinking and pushing unpopular agendas that people won’t buy.

You know what Hollywood sells, Sheryl? They sell hotness. Not blond, not fair skin – hot. Angelina Jolie? Hot. Not blond or fair. Miss America? Not blond. America’s Top Model? Not blond. They are all hot, though. Hollywood gives us what we want. I know plenty of fugly blondes. Black can be beautiful. It isn’t by default. Vanessa Williams? Super hot. Shirley from What’s Happening? Super not.

And you may be asking, “Who gets to decide what’s hot?”

Until Dennis Franz is on the cover of Playgirl, and until dudes like me stop actually paying the bills for the rest of the world, I do. Suck it.

Marcia Cross admits she suffers from debilitating migranes, and offers some free advice for her Desperate Housewives character.

In the course of my part time job as cabana boy for a real estate marketing firm, I was doing a little research on a development company. I came across George Clooney’s upcoming Vegas casino/condo/Democratic fundraiser project.

Maybe I’m missing something, but it looks exactly like everything I know about Vegas.

Sometimes, when you want to produce a historical hard core porno, you have to bend the truth a little.

Florida gynecologist ordered to restrict his practice to non-females only after nonconsensual sexual contact with patient. Also, according to Florida law, any sexual contact with a patient is nonsconsensual. Aaaaaand… sue!

Barring some freak twist worthy of a reality show, Survivor‘s first millionaire, Richard Hatch, is on his way to the big house for not paying any taxes on pretty much everything he’s made since he won the show 5 years ago.

An annonymous cabal has purchased Sex.com for $12 million, and plans to turn it into the “market-leading adult entertainment destination.”

I’ll be starting the bids for Queef.org at $8.95

I’m not sure what I like more about Halle Berry’s bizarre website. Counting the typos on the FAQ page, or hitting the button to hear her say, “Check out my hot links!”

Pennsylvania high school student feels “uncomfortable” when the teacher made him sit on the floor and encouraged other students to throw crumpled up paper at him because he wore a Denver Broncos jersey to school. Somehow this is news.

Actually disturbing part: it was in something called an “ethnicity class.”

Two networks enter. One network leaves. Say goodbye to UPN and The WB. Say hello to CW, your one stop shop for black, chick & testosterone programming. They should call it the Rupaul.

Dakota Fanning has charm like Angelina Jolie has hotness; in weird, otherworldly abundance. Would it be inappropriate to want to mash them together into one super-alien? Would the resulting sex-horse/wise-Muppet hybrid be everything I imagine, or would it simply confound me with constantly conflicting urges to pinch its cheeks or tighten its nipple clamps? Would it be 18? I don’t know.

Plus, Japanese people are freaks.

New study shows sexual prowess comes at the expense of intelligence.

In related news, I had to pantomime “popsicle” the other day because I couldn’t remember the word. (true story)