Holy crap. He is so far fried it’s heartbreaking. Brian’s on Charlie Rose right now. It’s like watching Kissinger ask Corky how to make macaroni art.
Archive for November, 2005
Saw this chick on Donny Deutsch. I think the only time I can watch The Big Idea is when there’s a bigger ego than Donny on, which isn’t often. So this math teacher was banging a 17-year-old, and she’s so obviously madly in love with him. Has no regrets, and is a moron. Proceeds to get in an argument with a lawyer about what’s legal. She says nobody respects teenagers. She says she wants to open her own school. Donny laughs at her. Good stuff. Only Atlanta could produce this kind of attitude.
My mother used to throw birthday parties for me when I was a kid, but I was always uncomfortable with the idea of having children that didn’t really like me trucked in to pretend to like me for a few hours. Now I read stories like this one about a super wealthy girl’s 10 million dollar bat mitzvah, complete with Kenny G and 50 Cent performances.
on rocks and bribes, and how many laws would you break… for love? That’s what the diamond peddlers want to know this year. Follow the harrowing journey of one filthy rich douchebag as he braves the elements to prove his worth to his hot lady love in the slinky scoopneck.
Happy holidays, poor, ugly people! YOU’D BETTER GO TO JARED, BITCH!
(it takes about 20 minutes to watch/listen to the whole thing. I recommend it only for the truly antisocial.)
Last week’s news about TiVo support for the iPod and PSP has NBC so upset they’re considering a lawsuit. Something about wanting people to not watch their crap shows on something other than a television too.
Sunday I took a trip up to the Georgia Ensemble Theater in Roswell with the family to see something called Always… Patsy Cline. Itâ€™s a musical/revue show type thing. A two woman show. One woman plays Patsy and sings Patsy, and the other one playsâ€¦ um, a crazy lady. Thatâ€™s a big Patsy fan. Or something. Thereâ€™s kind of a story, but not really. Basically itâ€™s just an excuse to string a bunch of Patsy Cline music together. Sort of a Mama Mia for lesbians. As the crazy lady narrated the story, images of Red, White & Blaine kept popping into my head and I desperately hoped â€œStool Boomâ€ would be the next song.
Apparently, itâ€™s a very popular show, and the woman playing Patsy has done it for a long time and this was her farewell run. She did a pretty good job, and thereâ€™s a lot worse music you could sit through 2 hours of. What struck me was the audience. Iâ€™m pretty sure my Dad was the second youngest person there. Iâ€™ve never seen so many walkers this side of The Producers. And letâ€™s not forget the smatterings of oxygen tanks. The 300 seat theater was sold out, and somewhere in rec centers all over the city there were dozens of women yelling â€œB, 16â€ to empty rooms.
The old guy behind me kept singing along with every song, getting most of the words right, as Iâ€™m sure most everybody in the hall was being transported to their youth with wistful nostalgia. At one point at the end of the show, after Patsy leaves the stage, the crazy lady has her big monologue about her heroineâ€™s tragic plane crash, and punches a line at the end. â€œShe was only 30 years old.â€ There were several loud gasps and lots of head shaking, as the audience, which was probably on average a decade older than Cline, was reminded she died 40 years ago. Thatâ€™s gotta be freaky.
Anyhoo, it was nice seeing old folks get out and have a little fun, even if all it really does is remind them how old they are. Humming and singing and tapping their toes, and remembering what it was like to be young. I assume in 25 years Iâ€™ll be sitting in a DependÂ® of my own filth in a regional theater somewhere, cranking my hearing aide, watching Foreverâ€¦ Jeff Lynne and singing along.
â€œMr. Blue Sky, please tell us why,
You had to hide away
For so long where did we go wrong.â€
I don’t think I thanked Dotsy for dinner the other night. But I will do it now. Thanks, Dotsy. It was yummy.
Oh my God. Has anybody seen Tito? WHERE”S TITO?!?!
Anybody else heading to Pittsburgh this holiday season would also do well to heed the warnings of airport security. Because when the FAA makes me take out my taint hoop, the terrorists have already won.
If you’ve got a nerd in your life (and I know you do), here’s some helpful hints for your holiday shopping. First, it’s Wired’s Gift Guide, with nifty selections for your home and personal use. If you’ve got a gamer on your list, and if you’re a girl, you probably do, because guys like to do things without you, The Washington Post has a rundown of what’s hot. And to make sure you stay away from what’s not, here’s a list of the worst new gadgets of the year.
And finally, here’s what I hope Santa leaves for me, but I know he won’t, because there is no Santa.
This was all over the news last week, but relegated to the “and from the lighter side…” end of broadcast wasteland, and with all the Thanksgiving hubbub, you may have missed it. Ex-FEMA Head Michael Brown has decided his expertise should be focused in the private sector again by starting his own disaster preparedness firm.
This is obviously a fake story planted by some ex who’s jealous he’s dating Anna Kournakova, or just some out of context joke. If it’s not, then I know a few girls who just crossed him off their lists. Because he was totally gonna do them. Because they’re such catches.
Anna Kournikova now gets points for requiring her man to only be super wealthy and hot, and not girthy as well.
After the whole chronic homosexual pedophile thing, does anybody really care that Michael Jackson is a crazy antisemite?
Oh, well, now I don’t like him.
You may or may not be familiar with this bizarre story about a guy who calls fast food joints claiming to be a cop. He talks the managers into strip searching a nubile employee. In the case profiled in this Primetime report, the video shows the employee being forced to perform oral sex on the manager’s fiancÃ© (?!?) at the request of the voice over the phone. The video is edited, of course, and “other sex acts” are mentioned. At the end of the report, the mystery caller is captured and charged with “solicitation of sodomy.”
So Black Friday came. It’s 7:34 in the AM, and I’m back home and several hundred dollars poorer. The line outside Best Buy at 4:50 was around the side of the building, and I’d guess was pushing 250 bodies. Fox 5 was on hand for a live remote, and there was a guy with a bullhorn handing out coffee and hot chocolate. I think I was too late for the donuts. The doors opened and there was a mad rush for the $199 laptops. Luckily, I was there for some different items. After about 40 minutes of Best Buying, it was off to Office Depot. Unfortunately, the flyer I had been studying was for Office Max, so the item I wanted was not there. They did have doorbuster prices on blank DVD’s, which I needed, so it wasn’t a wasted stop. Then I hit Target, where I ultimately spent more money on stuff for me than X-mas gifts, but I did save a tremendous amount. I only bought one thing that wasn’t on substantial sale, and it was only 14 bucks, plus, I only travelled 1000 yards from my house, so I don’t feel I got sucked too much into the Black Friday business scheme. Except for the fact that I got up at 4:30.
That is, I started out looking for an Xbox 360 this morning, as I had none, and returned home at the end of the day exactly where I started, still without one.
Microsoft has screwed the pooch on this launch. Rumors at Best Buy claim shipments of the next-gen game consoles that sold out all across the country in a matter of hours will not start again until December 28th. Happy Hannukah!
Tonight is Ted Koppel’s last night at Nightline, which makes me sad, and not just because it makes me feel old. I remember his first night, reporting on the Iran hostage crisis in 1980. I was laying on the floor of my newly-single father’s crappy apartment eating Triscuit pizzas I made in the toaster oven. There wasnâ€™t any furniture, but Dad let me stay up late. I still stay up late, and I still like laying on the floor.
Iâ€™ve always been enamored with Ted. He was the reason I wanted to be a journalist, and continued to be my inspiration for years. Calm, cool, and always collected, no matter who he was grilling. I went all the way to college, with every intention of being the next Ted, even if I obviously wasnâ€™t as smart as he is. But I wanted to be. When I was told by a producer I was too ugly to be on camera, I said, â€œWhat about Ted Koppel?â€ She said, â€œTedâ€™s on his way out. And youâ€™re no Ted Koppel.â€ Well, that was over ten years ago. So I guess she was sort of right. Now heâ€™s really on his way out, and Iâ€™m still no Ted Koppel.
I’ll stay up late tonight to say goodbye.
If you missed Monday’s Oprah (and you know who you are), you missed her semi-annual orgy of generosity and product placement – “My Favorite Things.” To get in on this mad dash to relieve Oprah guilt (which is sort of like liberal guilt, only justified), all you had to be was a Katrina relief worker, preferably with a mushy story that could be captured in a 90-second video montage. Oh, yeah. And a chick. Because there weren’t any dude relief workers. Except those 2 gay guys who squealed like pigs when she started handing out Burberry bags.
1) Philip SteinÂ® watch with 50 diamonds – $2195.00
2) BurberryÂ® coat – $699.00
3) BurberryÂ® purse – $695.00
4) UggÂ® boots – $180.00
5) Garrett’s Gourmet popcorn – $117.00
6) Video iPodÂ® – $299.00
7) Ralph LaurenÂ® “Oprah” sweater – $498.00
8) Special “Oprah Ass” pants – $160.00
9) Sarah Jessica Parker perfume (seriously) – $62.00
10) BlackberryÂ® phone – $299.00 + 3 months free service
11) Gourmet brownies – $25.00
12) NikeÂ® sneakers – $95.00
13) CashwereÂ® Robe – $145.00
14) Williams SonomaÂ® croissants – $39.95
15) Hope In a Jar (don’t ask me) – $105.00
16) Basket of GraceÂ® Bath Products – $214.00
17) Gourmet Oatmeal Cookies – $49.99
18) Oprah DVD box set – $35.00
19) Sony VaioÂ® laptop – $1600.00
Grand total: a whole lot x everybody in the audience = a shitload
If you didn’t see it, don’t feel too bad. I’m sure SNL will do a valiant parody that’s almost as spastic as the real thing. Ah, consumerism. Taste the rainbow.
See what Oprah didn’t get you here.
Nobody does reality television like the British. Instead of making its audience want to kill itself like its Yankee counterpart, across the pond they treat their cast to shame and self-loathing. On Space Cadets, producers searched for contestants to compete for a 5 day trip into space. After winnowing their marks through a series of tests, training and competitions, the final team of 3 will be loaded into a shuttle and launched into space. Or so they think. Actually, they’ll be in a high tech simulator, and subjected to God knows what. I hope they do the thing where there’s only enough oxygen for 2 people and they have to draw straws. Or they show mushroom clouds going off all over the globe and nothing but static on the radio. Or Telly Savalas and Elliot Gould fly by in a crop duster. Or when they land after a strange kaleidoscope storm and open the doors, they’ll be greeted by… A PLANET OF APES!
Sometime next year, TiVo’s To Go feature will sync with your Video iPod or Sony PSP so you can watch your shows wherever you want. We’ll see.
I guess I’ll just go ahead and buy a fishing rod or start growing roses.
Drunk woman on a flight to Australia tries to step outside for a smoke.
Is there something ironic about finding your next soulmate on a machine that becomes obsolete every six months?
According to the title, this is video of a 9-year-old playing Xbox, arguing with his mother. I’m no expert, but he sounds a little older than that to me. I can only assume he’s big for his age, and must certainly have crazy superpowers, because if a normal kid talked to me like that, he’d be dead.
Family Guy‘s use of the creepy pedophile senior continues to push the bounds of good taste, but tonight’s Little Shop of Horrors homage with a complete rendition of “Somewhere That’s Green” made me pee myself. Fabulously.