“Since 2006, one out of every 17 novels bought in the United States was written by James Patterson.”

Holy shit.

It is what it says.

Because everything is advertising now, K-Swiss is craftily courting the liberal elite Jewish Hollywood crowd via hilarious viral videos. Because they buy the shit out of cross trainers.

Kenny powered microsite here.

After spending quite a few extra minutes and strained shoulders the last few trips trying to determine if I am grabbing the right suitcase off the belt, I really want one of these stickers. I just can’t decide which one.

Do you find peanut butter hard to eat? I mean, physically difficult? Are you always saying, “I wish there were some way to make it easier!” Well wish no more. Because now you can get P.B. Slice, which is exactly what it sounds like.

First Arnold, now Blanche. Has anyone seen Mark Linn-Baker lately? Anyway, in case anyone is wonder about the cultural significance of Rue McClanahan and her golden sisters, behold the trailer for the forthcoming Golden Girls porno. (sadly, totally safe to watch)

Me: Will these pills make me tall?

Dr: No.

Me: Good looking? Thin?

Dr: No.

Me: Grow my hair back?

Dr: No.

Me: Make me appear to have a nice car, big house, successful career or anything else that’ll make me attractive in any way as I enter the winter of my life alone?

Dr: No.

Me: The strength of ten men, like crank?

Dr. No.

Me: But a possible side effect is depression.

Dr. Yes.

Me: Maybe I wasn’t clear earlier…

#219: The Star Wars Wampa Rug.

Extra small condoms for 12 year-old boys go on sale in Switzerland.
Like I needed another excuse to want to slap 12 year-old boys.

It’s the ‘Big Baby’ Life-Size Prop Replica from Hellboy II. And it’s 20% off! AND IT’S ON FLEX-PAY, PEOPLE!

And it’s pretty much exactly what I assumed it was. Except for the part where he owns it.

My New Pink Button. That is all.

The gift ideas are starting to come fast and furious, from the Garden Jawa to the truly sublime Crochet Birthdoll. In these tight economic times, tough decisions will need to be made.

Get on the wait list for your very own Tauntaun sleeping bag. Behind me, of course.

And to make it a Weezer twofer, check them out playing with Kenny G.

From the makers of the Fleshlight (who’ll you’ll remember from last week brought us the Vampire-themed apple pie in a can) comes this fantastic invention, which appears to be a device for two guys to practice double teaming a girl when no girl is available.

I’m quitting my job to sell these door-to-door at fraternities.

Now, I’m not gay. I often wish I were, but I’m 97% sure I’m not. So I don’t really see the appeal here. And even though this product seems to be targeted towards the gay market, I don’t see why it has to be. It does have to be targeted towards dudes who want to put their peens in a vampire’s mouth.
NSFW due to the peens.

Burger porn, compliments of Macy’s and the Food Gal

Pokemon + Menses = genius.

Is it Cranberry flavored?

I can’t remember if I posted this or not. It’s a few weeks old, but when it’s Winkers: The Pants With Eyes That Wink At You, you can afford to post it twice.

what this adorable Teddy Bear is made out of.
You’re just going to have to click on it.

Apparently, in Egypt, women care about their men so much that they want them to believe that their huge members have brought them much pain and suffering on their wedding night. Now, with “spurting blood action!”
That’s love.

Shipping Sept. 10th, just in time for your soft-core femme porn season finale, you can drink your very own Tru Blood Beverage.

Admiral Ackbar! Lando! Mon Mothma! Oh, Lego… is there any terrible life pain your little pegs can’t soothe?

with guest stars like Stalin and House. Duh.

Two great tastes that somebody seems to think will make money… Massive Multiplayer Online video games and Twilight. Do tween girls have the math chops to manage charisma points?